I am enormously put out that I even have to teach you this…that there are men out there who don’t know that the following behavior is unacceptable and will surely block them from any chances of bumpin nasties with any girl who witnesses their conduct. The buttons will stay buttoned. The zippers will stay zipped. The laces will stay laced. The “Yes, We’re Open” sign will be flipped to read, “Out of Business. Go the hell away.” You will never be able to open the condom you have been saving in your wallet since 7th grade. You will never be able to motorboat a woman and not have to pay for it first. Am I getting my point across here? Can you see me sitting at my computer with a grimace on my face, conveying a tip that your mother should have told you about when you were a wee lad? Can you see me sigh in frustration?

Level 1: Beginning stages of a relationship
No burping. Seriously fellas. Look, I enjoy a guy who can beat me in a belching competition any day (and I am pretty effing good at it), but once he gets out even the first three states in alphabetical order, he has lost all chances of watching my lovely self freak him nasty. It’s gross and I really don’t want to smell the rotting fajita stench that fogs the air around my face and body.

Level 2: Established relationship
No hot-boxing. I don’t need to go into detail on this. It’s grounds for divorce.

posted by Crystal at 1:50 PM 10 comments