Take The Hint

Dating Tip for Men and Women

Outside of returning phone calls, I rarely call boys. I’ve tried to be the aggressor and that effing sucks. I feel sorry for you fellas out there who have to constantly make phone calls and act like you care just so that you can maintain the ass that you will hopefully be hitting this weekend.

Tip:

If the guy/girl doesn’t return your phone call, assume he/she is not interested and move on.

A very small percentage of people actually mean it when they say they want to remain friends. They are just saying that so you won’t think your personality totally blows. Even though it probably does.

Yes, it sucks to be rejected. What sucks even more than that is prolonging it.

Besides, the more uninterested you act, the more likely they are to respond.

More Dating Tips for Men!

I like this boy. He is a total tease – which is very cool considering I have never met a male tease before. He is unlike any guy I have dated in the past. Fellas! Listen up!

Dating Tip for Men: Tease your lady. I don’t want to have to go into detail here, because I am already having a hard time concentrating at work (thus, the blogging). Don’t wash dishes the first few nights. I can’t tell you how many men have tried handling my dishes before they were even dirty. Cuddle. Don’t unbutton her shirt. If you lightly dance around the buttons, she’ll do it for you! Grab her inner-upper thigh (without touching the important stuff) when you are kissing her and squeeze it. She’ll be screaming TOUCH ME YOU FOOL! within 2 minutes.

I almost felt sorry for the guys I’ve teased. But Jaysus, it is fun.

I will just say this. My dishes are very, very dirty. I can’t think about anything but getting them washed so obviously the boy did something right.

posted by Ev at 9:13 AM 5 comments

Dating Tips for Men (revisited)

I stopped doing the whole “Dating Tips for Men” thing because what do I know about the way men are supposed to act? I have not been around the block enough times to truly capture the essence of man-action.

However, every now and then, one of them will do something so incredibly foolish that I would be doing a disservice to society if I did not bring it out in the open and spread the word. After all, some poor man might stumble across this blog, take my advice and save his dignity and maybe even a relationship or two.

TIP: Do NOT, no matter how charming you think it sounds, EVER, no matter if you believe it’s true, EVER, no matter if you think she’ll jump your bones for it, call a girl a Dirty Slut on the first date.

That being said, I will tell you how this transpired. Eric asked me out again and this time I said yes. We went to an arcade and had a great time. He is a lot of fun to hang out with. Fast forward. He takes me home and gets out of the car.

Me: You can come up but we are not having sex.
He nodded his head as if to say, ‘Of course! I wouldn’t dream of it!’

Almost as soon as my door was locked, we were making out. He is one of the best kissers I have ever kissed (and, like I’ve said a thousand times before, I am a total kissing-whore so I should know). I could tell he was going to be hard for me to resist. I could tell by the way he held me that It would be incredible. I was weighing out options in my mind, like women often do when we are making out*, occasionally brushing his hand away from the zipper on my pants and the buttons on my shirt.

Then he made up my mind for me.

Note: Now, this blog was created so I could be open and honest and go into detail about sex, but I am afraid this post will have to be slightly censored due to its extreme raunchiness.All of the sudden, he started talking.Not about how pretty I am or how he hates George Bush or even how Heinz ketchup is so much better than Hunt’s.

This is what came out of that boy’s mouth:

He: I want to f--- you so f------ badly. I want you [various positions that make me blush so much that I am incapable of even typing them].

Me: ???????????

He: I want you to slide up and down on my c---. On and on and on blahxxxblahxxx

Me: Wow you are into dirty talk, no?

He: You like that, you dirty slut?

He laughed when he said it indicating that he was joking. However, I have never been called a dirty slut [on the first date]. Dirty talk is great – but not in the beginning, for crying out loud! You have to first lay down a foundation of trust before you go start degrading a woman! It just ain’t right!

*subjects that also cross women’s minds during make out sessions: 1. bills 2. jeans 3. brad pitt in fight club.

posted by Ev at 4:07 PM 3 comments

More Dating Tips for Men

The New Fella - I have seen this guy 6 days in a row. I like him. When I am not with him, I want to be. When I am with him, I don’t want to leave. The funny thing is – I could draw up a fairly long list of Dating Tips for Men solely from my experiences with him that detail how you are not supposed to behave around women. He doesn’t do anything bad, really. I think I have just been lucky to date all gentlemen since I have been single (yes, even the dry-humping-dirty-talker opened doors). I am going to share some of these things, but unlike my other tips, these will not serve to bash men, but to actually help them.

1. The Stairs. Many men don’t know how to address stairs properly. My mother taught me how a man is supposed to conduct himself while escorting a lady up/down the stairs and I watch for it. When going up, you must position yourself behind the lady (easier to see up her skirt that way, fellas, AND the gentlemanly thing to do - nice, eh?). When going down the stairs, you must stay in front of her. You must always remain in the position to catch her/break her fall.

2. When walking down the street, make sure you are closest to traffic and when she leaves your house walk her out.

3. Don’t wear T-back tank tops. I don’t care how hot you are.

4. Don’t bust out a bunch of pictures of your hottie ex-girlfriend in her bikini making out with you in Mexico because you want me to see “the awesome beach”. There is plenty of time to discuss past relationships. When I meet a man that I really like, I try to act like no other man existed before him. Men are pretty competitive and I don’t want to create any kind of insecurities for the new guy because my ex was smarter, funnier, muscle-ier or better in bed. Exes are exes for a reason and I am with you, New Guy, because I like YOU. I think you are smart, funny and have a beautiful body.

5. Don’t brag. I don’t really care how many women throw themselves at you on a daily basis. I know you’re hot. That’s why I throw myself at you. I’m not a jealous girl. I don’t care if Angelina Jolie hit on you (Don’t get me wrong - I’d smack the bitch down), but it’s irritating to hear you talk about how hot you are. Look at me. I am so hot that I don’t even have to verbalize it. See?

This only covers some of the things and I am still crazy about the guy. I am going out of town this weekend so I won’t be tempted to hang out with him 7 days in a row.

A single girl musn’t hang out with one fella all the time or she won’t stay a single girl. Profound, I know. I should write fortune cookies.

posted by Crystal at 10:57 AM 3 comments

Is She Into You?

It’s hard to tell. Women are so complex that it is hard for men to think on that level. I am not saying men are stupid. They just function at a much simpler level than women.

For example:

A woman thinks: He said he was going to call at 6 and it is now 6:15. WTF. He must not like me. What did I do? Is it my arm fat? I really need to go to the gym. God, he is SO shallow. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. Then again, would I date someone with arm fat like this? No. Maybe I shouldn’t have let him get to third base on the 1st date. He probably thinks I am a slut. What an ass. I am not a slut! Just because I went through that phase in college where I knocked out half the football team doesn't mean I am easy. He is probably with some other girl right this very minute. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN he is a player. I bet everything he said to me on our last date was purely to get in my pants. If he calls, I am not answering. Prick.

A man thinks: She’s cool. I like her boobs. I’ll call her after I finish smokin’ this guy in Halo. Pow Pow. I wonder if she’ll go for a threesome with her hot friend, Judy. Judy is smokin’. I like Judy’s boobs too. Judy has a nice car. I want a nice car. A Ferrari Spider. Oh yeah. I bet I could get a lot of women with that car. See a lot of boobs. Are we out of beer?

Am I right? Probably not. I have no idea how you guys think. I just know that if I was a guy and could get away with it, I’d think like that too. However, my genetic make-up doesn’t allow for that type of carefree attitude, so I am left jumping to conclusions and creating false realities about my massive arm fat and level of sluttiness.

I think it’s pretty easy to tell if a guy likes me or not. You guys have it harder though. Most women aren’t going to let you know if they like you or not right off the bat. You have to look for hints and, let’s face it fellas, you are terrible at taking hints. I thought everyone knew this one, but apparently not. It’s a pretty easy way to tell if the chick digs you on your first date.

The Pat
If a woman pats you on the back during the hug, it is a very bad sign. Most people don’t even realize they are performing The Pat.If she digs you, her subconscious will want as much of her body in contact with as much as your body for the longest period of time possible. Obviously pats detract from this.

If you receive the pat, PAT HER BACK. Don’t go for an embrace when it’s really just a friendly hug. You are going to annoy her and possibly creep her the hell out and then you will have No Chance of hitting that in the future.

P.S. I forgot to say that if the Pat is on your behind, then Good Sign. She wants you. Go for it.

P.S. #2 - I neglected to state that lack of patting does not indicate that she is going to let you bump her dirty. After posting this, I started to pay attention to the way I hug and everyone knows that I get around when it comes to hugging. I have hugged like 15 people this week. Go ahead. Say it. Don't be shy. I am mad pimpin, son. My point is, I will only pat if I am trying to send a message to the hugee that he needs to leave me the hell alone. It's more polite than a knee to the balls. I have several guy friends that I gladly mash my body against because I get to cop cheap feels that way. Cheap feels are always good.

posted by Crystal at 9:33 AM 17 comments

I am enormously put out that I even have to teach you this…that there are men out there who don’t know that the following behavior is unacceptable and will surely block them from any chances of bumpin nasties with any girl who witnesses their conduct. The buttons will stay buttoned. The zippers will stay zipped. The laces will stay laced. The “Yes, We’re Open” sign will be flipped to read, “Out of Business. Go the hell away.” You will never be able to open the condom you have been saving in your wallet since 7th grade. You will never be able to motorboat a woman and not have to pay for it first. Am I getting my point across here? Can you see me sitting at my computer with a grimace on my face, conveying a tip that your mother should have told you about when you were a wee lad? Can you see me sigh in frustration?

Level 1: Beginning stages of a relationship
No burping. Seriously fellas. Look, I enjoy a guy who can beat me in a belching competition any day (and I am pretty effing good at it), but once he gets out even the first three states in alphabetical order, he has lost all chances of watching my lovely self freak him nasty. It’s gross and I really don’t want to smell the rotting fajita stench that fogs the air around my face and body.

Level 2: Established relationship
No hot-boxing. I don’t need to go into detail on this. It’s grounds for divorce.

posted by Crystal at 1:50 PM 10 comments

Dating Tips for Men (#5)

Tip #5 – Musical Instruments

I have dated many musicians. In fact, I have only had 2 boyfriends that didn’t play some type of musical instrument. I will touch on the most significant boyfriend-musicians:

16 years old: I was wooed by a 17 y/o boy named Romeo. Yes, that was his real name. The minute I heard his voice, I decided I was going to freak him nasty. (I didn’t, of course. I didn’t become a slut until later in life) We kissed a little bit and I got to feel his crooked penis through his jeans. He also used to pleasure himself while we were on the phone (Tip #5.5 – DON’T pleasure yourself while on the phone with a 16 year old girl) Strange relationship. He wrote me a song called “Angel”. I am fairly certain that he wrote this same song for every girl he met.

19 years old: My first long-timer was an excellent musician. He played guitar, but liked to tool around with other instruments. He wrote me a song. I cried. I have no musical ability, but I wrote him a song. He cried. We wound up breaking up a few months later. Maybe it was my voice.

24 years old: Kyo. My heart still stops sometimes when I think about him. He was also a badass on guitar and wrote me a couple of songs that melted my butter. Some were sweet. One was entitled, I Hope You Had A Nice Time At The Mall. It went, I hope you had a nice time at the mall today with your mom, I hope you had a wonderful shopping experience. God, it was funny.

27 years old: Matt – not my boyfriend, but a wonderful friend who sent me a cd a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. I’d hit that.I am getting to the Tip here in a second. Hold your horses.The thing is, if you are going to play cover songs (with the exception of DCFC's Follow You into the Dark), you will not get ass. This only applies to women over the age of 21….younger than that and they will probably fall for it.

Tip #5 Musical Instruments: The only time you are allowed to pick up your instrument and start playing is if YOU ARE ASKED BY YOUR LADY. Don’t pick up your guitar and start playing random intros of songs you don’t know and looking at her and trying to be all sensitive-musician-boy. Most women can see straight through that. We know the only reason you are doing that is so that we will throw our vagina at you. Not going to happen. What if the tables were reversed and some hot chic busted out her oboe on the first date and procedded to lick off only the very beginnings of every marching band song ever invented. Would you still want to hit that? Didn't think so.For crying out loud, don’t call me on the phone and ignore my questions because you are too busy playing the same riff over and over AND OVER AND OVER. I don’t want to hear that shit. I hate talking on the phone as it is.

I spoke with Ba about this and offered the following:

In college, one of my suitemates (who also happened tobe in my band) would often just come into my room, pick up one of myguitars, and start playing, with a half "look at this riff I came upwith," half "do you think there will ever be born a boy who can swimfaster than a shark" look on his face. As you can probably guess,playing guitar for someone is often more about the player than it isthe listener.

How true. The Brazilian guy played “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd and if I weren’t too lazy to put my clothes back on, I would have wrapped my vagina in saran-wrap and taken it To-Go.

P.S. Air guitar/drums is not acceptable once you reach puberty.

posted by Crystal at 1:59 PM 5 comments

Dating Tips for Men (#4)

Dating Tip #4 – Body Hair

I can’t vouch for all women on this one, but I know what I like.

DON’T shave your legs, unless you are participating in the Tour de France and actually have a shot at winning. It feels hurty and makes you look creepy.

DON’T shave your chest. Come on. Be a man. Why do you want to look like a boy? The first time I touched a hairy chest, I will admit that I was a little afraid, but after I got to KNOW the hairy chest, it became my friend. My very sexy friend that constantly reminded me of what a MAN I was with.

DON’T shave your arms. That’s just weird.

DO purchase a Shave Everywhere. That is a deal-breaker. Just do it. Seriously. Do it.

DO wax your eyebrows. Don’t overdo it. Just get the patch of hair in the middle. We don’t need arches, ok? You are not allowed to look better than us.

DO wax the back hair. Some back hair is acceptable, but if it is long enough to get stuck in my teeth, it needs to go. Besides, you can more easily feel my fingernails across your back that way.

posted by Crystal at 10:35 AM 6 comments

Dating Tips for Men (#3)

Dating Tip #3 – Spend More Time At The Library Than At The Gym

Sure, we all want a hard body to freak. However, most women put brains above looks. I’d take a smart, funny guy any day of the week over someone who could lift me over his head. Women are mental creatures as opposed to physical. Surprise! We prefer someone who can keep us awake on a date with good conversation as opposed to some meathead blabbering on and on about muscle milk. I will gladly take a set of clever love-handles over dumb muscles.

posted by Crystal at 10:34 AM 4 comments

Dating Tips for Men (#2)

Tip #2 Get. A. Job.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure helps. I am not asking for a guy to make more money than me and get my hair and nails did. I am not asking for a boob lift or a 1976 Corvette Stingray Convertible (black with ivory leather seats and 20” chrome rims, please). I am not asking a man to pay for every date, even.

Just take care of your shit, man. That’s all I ask. I don’t want to come home to you sitting in your underwear, eating canned cheese playing Xbox and asking me for $20 so you can meet up with your friends for $2 lap dances at the but-nekkid club. I am not your mommy. I will not pay your bills. And you had better come up with more than $2 if you want to see me sling my naked ass around a pole.

Don’t disappear to the bathroom when the bill comes.
Don’t say we can’t go out because you don’t have gas money.
Don’t “forget” your wallet at every dinner and when the street vendor asks if you want to buy a rose, ask me if I want one. Don’t call the guy a loser and roll up your window. At least he has a job. Maybe I should date him.

Now, if you don’t have money because you are taking care of a child or an ailing parent, you get a reprieve. Your incredibly large heart makes up for your incredibly empty bank account. Other exceptions include studying for your Bar Exam, early retirement and winning the lottery. These exceptions do not include laziness, hookers or your addiction to porn.

posted by Crystal at 9:57 AM

Dating Tips for Men

It is slightly hard for me to come up with dating tips for men. Men are all the same, so it’s easy to tell a woman how impress a man. However, women are complex creatures, each one a delicate flower, each different from the next, who have many different wants, needs, aspirations….Ha. Yeah right. We all want the same thing. We want a man who is cute, smart, funny, rich and virile as a Clydesdale – not necessarily in that order.I am expecting a slew of comments detailing how wrong I am – how women really want a nice man that doesn’t play games, looks and sex don’t matter and how love knows no monetary value.

That is a load of bullshit.

I am a woman. I was raised by a woman. I have lots of women friends and relatives. I have been in on enough inside conversations and have had enough experience to feel completely comfortable generalizing women. Of course, there are always exceptions like Mother Theresa (God is her man, there is no competition) and Bea Arthur (who, let’s face it, is a man herself).

Women should OWN IT already. Men have no trouble being honest about what they want in a girl. To illustrate my point, I have created a list of choices for men:

Jessica Alba vs. Condoleeza Rice
Jessica Alba vs. Sarah Silverman
Jessica Alba vs. Queen Noor

Titties always win over brains, humor and riches. A few guys out there will pick from the category on the right because they are too intimidated by the left category, but being a pussy is no excuse.

Tip #1 Play GamesWomen may not like games, but it is what keeps them interested. Generally, you will occupy more of a woman’s thoughts if you keep her wondering. Don’t call for a couple of days. Act flippant when you speak to her. For Heaven’s sake, do NOT bust out the L-Word within the first month of knowing her. You have to treat the situation delicately so that she doesn’t get fed up and write you off. And if she does write you off, screw her sister/mother/pet. That won’t repair the breech, but damn if it isn’t fun.

posted by Crystal at 9:56 AM 1 comments

Dating Tip #8

So Mike…yeah. Mike. Hmm. I like Mike. Last Friday he came to my place and we watched movies and ordered pizza. He likes to make out and I like to make him pay attention to the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I like making out too, but the first few dates, a girl has to set her boundaries.

TIP #8: It is crucial to be a tease for the first month of a relationship (not that Mike and I have a relationship). A good way to do this:

1. Grab his face and kiss him like an algae eater in a dirty fishtank.
2. Slide your hand up the sleeve of his t-shirt. Guys love that crap. Touching their muscles makes them feel like some sort of Adonis. Run your fingernails across his back.
3. Right when he is trying to take of your shirt, start staring at the television or look at your watch. Push him off of you and say, “Wait. This is the best part.” Or “Wow. 8:15! We are missing the Lifetime Original, ‘A Woman Betrayed’ with Meredith Baxter-Birney!” and then get up and make popcorn.

By engaging in some hardcore making out, you are letting him know that you like him. By stopping for no good reason, you show him that he is not THAT great of a kisser and you don’t like him THAT much. You are telling his subconscious that Meredith Baxter-Birney has more game than he does.

You must not let your fellow know that his kisses make your insides turn to jelly until way later. You must not let him know that you have imagined having his babies until never. This lets him know that he still has to TRY. When men get their foot in the door, they get cocky and think they can slap that ass whenever they feel like it.

posted by Crystal at 12:45 PM 5 comments

Dating Tip #7 - The Finger Game

This is all about getting the man to trust you, make him take orders from you and, most of the time, irritate the shit out of him.

This HAS to occur on the first date.

Place your elbow on the table. Make a fist. Extend your index finger into the air. Look at him like you want to tie him up and flick his nipples. Raise an eyebrow. Then say: Smell my finger.

Typically, he will refuse. After the second "no", put your finger in his face and say "SMELL my finger". If he still isn't game, change up the emphasis. "Smell MY finger" or "Smell my FINGER". However, do not under any circumstances emphasize all of the words at the same time. That will make you sound desperate and that's just gross. If he smells your finger, reward him with a kiss at the end of the date. If he tries to make you smell his finger, take him home with you.

BUT!If the guy smells your finger immediately, get up and leave. Who just goes around smelling people's fingers? That's disgusting.

posted by Crystal at 9:42 PM 6 comments

Tip for Women #6 - Get Your Game Face On

I am going on another date tonight with Mike so I am practicing my hand-eye and knee-balls coordination. It’s very important to prepare for a date in this manner because men will stop at nothing to cross your boundaries and steal your treasure. A sharp “No! Bad boy!” should work, but crushing their testicles with your knee is fool proof. It tends to prevent them from misbehaving for the rest of the evening.

posted by Crystal at 2:39 PM 4 comments

It's All Part of My Game, Yo

Tips on Dating for Women

I have dated 8 men in the past 4 months. I keep count. I have to so I don’t go overboard. Dating includes: Any guy I have kissed. This does not necessarily include dishwashing, ok? I am not that big of a whore.

Here are some tips I’ve learned from my FAT 8.

1. The woman should always pay for the first meal if she digs the guy. Always. There are three reasons for this:

Number A: It makes the guy happy because, let’s face it, all men are cheap.

Number B: The woman doesn’t feel like she has to put out because he splurged on her 7 Layer Burrito.

Number C: It’s all about manipulation ladies. “When on a date, man-ip-u-late!” That’s my cheer that I do in my head. Buy purchasing the first meal, the fella thinks She’s different. She doesn’t want me for my money. Haha. What an idiot. Then you can take advantage of him, and suck him dry (monetarily, of course), and make him buy you a Vette and some fake boobs. See what a wise investment that first meal is?

2. Men don’t like women who like them. This is why guys always go for the bitches. So you have to be a little mean sometimes. For example, after he kisses you, exclaim:Jesus Christ, I am so glad you finally kissed me. I was getting so sick of listening to your blahblahblah-shit-that-i-don’t-care-about-blahblahblah.

It sounds mean, but trust me, the dudes effing love it.

3. When he pulls back to tell you that you are an awesome kisser, tell him “Daddy says I’m the best”. Extra points if he gets the movie reference.

4. Grab his thingy and say, “I think your cell phone is going off”

5. If he gets too emotional (as men often do), stop him before it gets too late. I guess guys are used to hanging out with other guys and you KNOW all they discuss is sports and stink bait vs. live worms, so when they get around a lady, they think it is acceptable to drone on and on about random emotion-filled crap. Tell him “Sack Up, Pussy” and then ask him sweetly for another beer. He will appreciate it. He will appreciate you.

If you have any other tips on dating, please feel free to post them in my comments section located below. Have a nice day, bitches!

Note: I hate it when people describe letters with the word "number". Number A. I wrote it just to irritate myself because I am a self-loathing broad. I did it on purpose. I don't need your whiney emails explaining how numbers are not letters, ok? Ok. So shut up.

posted by Crystal at 12:30 PM 12 comments